Thursday, 17 May 2012

Bad memories

Manic said I had to feel, so me and Kat went back to Ireland, to visit my? mothers grave, remember I, I mean Manic said they erased all evidence that me and my family ever existed, they didn't get it all, after we got them all, we salvaged her body and gave her a proper burial, in a graveyard, very catholic woman, god rest her soul. I even made her a headstone, reading 'here lies *Omitted* my mammy, just unlucky', not particularly cheery, but I was emotionally unstable, so can you blame me. I also went to where my father was, or where Sirus buried him, I wanted nothing to do with the man, he was buried beneath a tree with the words, 'gone but not forgotten -Sirus'. Sirus never knew the full truth about our father it would probably destroy him if he found out. I felt sad and angry on the same day, not emotions I've had trouble feeling lately, then Kat took my hand laced her fingers between mine, and hummed, hummed a tune distant and familiar.

I was taken back to a memory, I don't know how old I was, but I could speak a little so old enough, I saw a woman's face looking down on me, smiling, I think it's my mother, she's singing to me, a song so mournful, and full of hurt but she is happy, I just smile and blow a raspberry at her, this just makes her smile harder. I feel happy, a pure happy, due to others, not due to death, I start murmuring words to match those of the song,  'A gentle breeze, from hushabye mountain, gently blows o'er lullaby bay', I remember saying my first words that day, Mammy, I.. I..... * giggling follows for a while*, she looks so happy, I've never made anyone that happy, I start laughing again.

Then I faded back to Kat, away from the memory, her  tune turning darker and more melancholic, I am older old enough to speak properly with proper words, and I had hidden under my duvet hiding from the loud noises down stairs, a mans booming voice filling the entire universe, Sirus was gone, Sirus can't do anything, please let the noises stop, please, please, please mister tall man, please make the noise end, he just looked at me lovingly, arms stretched out in a hug, I gave him a hug and the noise faded away, I woke up in the hospital, not know what happened, I cried out for my mammy, she came running in and hugged me, pain shot through my tiny body, my head hurt like lots of bees got in there and started buzzing, buzz, buzz, buzz, like there was more than one people in there, but they went quite after a while, I forgot the tall man, I didn't forget the noise and the shouting and the pain.

Again I drifted back to Kat who was looking at me with a mix of emotions I couldn't decipher, her song was finished, my hand was still holding hers, we looked at each other for a while, then I cried, as memories I had lost came back, so many memories, worst than before, a mobile spinning in mid air, held by a tall man, my bike being caught before it fell over by the same man, I was never free from him, I was always his nothing I did was good, And I was snapped out of it, by a soft wet pressure on my lips, we were kissing again, even this feels wrong, but when we pull away she looks happy, and I feel better, we sat out whilst it rained, holding each other against the weight of the world, and for the first time in a long time I felt safe, maybe I was the dominant personality, all those memories felt like me not like Manic, I don't know what to think, I guess I have to sign out and think things over, allot.

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